There was a time that I was terrified to set boundaries. To be frank, I probably didn’t even learn the definition of the word until much later in life! I was forever a ‘people pleaser’, always saying yes when I really wanted to say no. It got so exhausting and made me resentful as F%&*!
My own learning
Making the decision to become a certified coach to help my staffing team was a major turning point in my life. I experienced my own life changing transformation, and that ignited a passion of wanting to teach others what I learned professionally, not just my staffing team.
But to be able to do this, I had to begin practicing what I preached. That meant starting to set boundaries, and it was a scary process. I was terrified of looking like the bad person. I was afraid to hurt the other person. I didn’t want to deal with the fallout that could come with speaking my feelings.
For a while, I still persisted in avoided uncomfortable conversations like the plague. I was more comfortable sweeping things under the rug than confronting them. But then I read a quote by Tim Ferris that resonated with me. He said:
“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
If I was going to get more joy and success out of life by having difficult conversations, then it was time to get boundary setting.
To say it was easy is a false statement. I lost friendships over it, but on the flip side, others flourished and deepened. As an example, just this week one of my good friends said to me, “Look at you setting your boundaries and taking care of you. Good for you!”
How to set boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships with yourself and others. Boundaries set the tone for how you want to be treated, and that’s with respect, am I right?!!
The added bonus with setting boundaries is you provide an example, and give permission, to those around you to do them same. It has an amazing ripple effect!
There are three important things to consider when setting those boundaries – tone, acceptance of outcome, and shifting your expectations.
1. Tone
Now you can go in like a raging bull and set boundaries in aggressive way but that’s not likely to be helpful. Instead, try saying your peace in a loving and intentional way. I guarantee you the response you receive will be much different to the one you’d get if you approach the situation in anger or resentment. Here’s an example:
The other day someone close to me came into my home and was inappropriate. My spirit felt so uncomfortable with the interaction. Typically, I wouldn’t have said anything as this person can be quite intimidating and aggressive. But this time, I thought about my delivery for a moment and then approached them in a loving intentional way, expressing how the interaction made me feel. It was received well and we moved on and had a great time. In the past, I would have been ruminating on the incident the whole day, and missed out on all the joy and fun that followed.
2. Acceptance of outcome
If you have the courage to speak your peace and make an effort to set a boundary, and things go sideways, then perhaps the lesson is the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Honestly, if a relationship isn’t working out for you, it typically isn’t for the other person either. Taking a break is best for each of you.
3. Shifting your perspective
We all have our imperfections and a part of the process of setting boundaries includes allowing for that. For instance, if I know someone is constantly late, I plan to show up a little late myself. If someone is consistently unavailable, but we have a great time when we do have the chance to get together, I don’t take their distance personally. I just appreciate and enjoy the time I do get to spend with them.
Doing that boundary setting work
Take a moment right now to think about a boundary you know you need to set, but are having trouble setting.
If you find yourself struggling with this, or are experiencing stress from unhealthy and toxic interactions, consider scheduling a one-on one with me. Together we can work through the issues you’re having, and come up with ways for you to learn how to set boundaries, which will hopefully lead to a much healthier and happier you.