Conflict sucks. I don’t like it because it makes me uncomfortable, so I do my best to avoid it, which really isn’t ideal. But there are times it’s imperative we step up and address something that isn’t working out for us, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
Why? Because if we keep silent and internalize our truth, it will begin to suffocate us. And if we feel suffocated for too long, all sorts of negative consequences abound, from feeling resentful and depressed, to physically getting sick.
It’s scary to speak up
I know all too well from my own experience that it can be very intimidating and frightening to speak your true feelings, especially if you know it’s going to create conflict. As a child and young adult, whenever I spoke up I was told I was either crazy, imagining things, or that I just needed to ‘suck it up’.
The result of this is I learned to keep what I was really feeling inside and remain silent. How did that work out for me? Not good, I can assure you! I ended up depressed and physically sick.
Now as an adult, I’ve learned there are times you need to confront conflict head on. I can’t say it’s always gone well as that would be total bull#*&! I’ve been shut down too many times to count, as well as called crazy (again!), or told my perspective is totally wrong. But that’s ok, as I know speaking my truth is the best thing for my wellbeing, both mentally and physically.
When it comes to conflict, everyone is right
I often call to mind a great meme that communicates the concept of conflict really well. It depicts two people standing on either side of the number six. To the first person, it’s the number six, but to the other, it’s a number nine. Both are right in their eyes.
As that meme so aptly illustrates, my truth is always going to be my truth and there’s nothing you can do to change it. And I have a right to my truth, as it’s based on my experience and how I perceive the situation.
Conversely, your truth is your truth and I have no right to dismiss it, as it’s based on your own experiences and perceptions. What I can do is agree to disagree, and honor your truth as that is your reality based on your beliefs.
Recognize the value in remaining silent
The most challenging part about conflict is our reaction to it. We all have a deep rooted need to defend ourselves when our view, behavior or thoughts are questioned or shot down. But there is real merit in recognizing when silence will serve you better.
Remaining silent doesn’t mean you aren’t protecting yourself, it just means you choose not to play the game. If someone can’t honor your perspective, they may never be open to hearing it. Remaining in the conversation is just a dangerous loop.
In time, you’ll recognize the right time for a real and honest conversation, and you can take that opportunity. But if you find yourself caught in a loop, be smart enough to get out of the situation real quick. After all, you don’t need to be right, you just need to be right for yourself. Getting caught in the back in forth is only going to create more sh*& for you.
And of course, in situations where things are just too heated, or perhaps even dangerous for you, that’s where you can turn to the professionals such as counselors, mediators and attorneys.
Use conflict to grow
At the end of the day, conflict is necessary for our growth. It teaches us what we want and don’t want; it teaches us to stand up for ourselves and use our voice; and it teaches us that no matter what conflict we face, we are worthy and will survive. But the most important lesson it teaches us is nothing has the power to take us down… unless we allow it to.